Back in Business

Back in the village and I feel like I am exactly where I should be.  Did I scare you with my whiny post-holiday uncertainty?  I hope not.  Before I left for Germany, I felt empty and sad and walked anxiously through my house like it was the last time I was going to see it.  I couldn’t fathom leaving, even if it was for only two weeks.  What, am I crazy?!  I know, so strange.  And then while I was in Germany, I enjoyed all things pleasant and easy to access and then felt sad and guilty about what I was enjoying.  I wanted to stay in Germany and felt even more guilty about those feelings.  When I came back to Malawi, I was struck with grief and confusion and was not myself.  It took a few days, a handful of pep talks from my friends here and finally after consuming a large amount of German chocolate I smuggled into Malawi, I am back to myself. 

I think there is always a degree of transition when leaving one culture and going back to another.  Plus, it’s difficult to balance your life.  Malawians will never truly understand me and at times, that makes me feel lonely.  Family and friends back home can never truly understand my life in Malawi and that frustrates me.  I feel like I will never be at peace with my two lives – always in limbo.  I am starting to understand this and I am trying to just appreciate each day as it comes to me.  Whether I am in Malawi, Germany, America or Thailand, I will always face this sense of not truly belonging somewhere, but it won’t stop me from traveling as much as I possibly can.  I got the travel fever and the only prescription is more cowbell – er, traveling.