Today is the anniversary of my grandma's death. I am still a mess, even a year later. She embodied a strength that I never had. I hoped it was something that I would acquire with age or wisdom, but I really think it was just who she was. And when she was gone, I feel like the ounce of strength that resembled hers was lost in me.
The last time I saw her, she was in a hospital bed. Even helping her to the toilet (a truly dehumanizing experience - to have your granddaughter help you with the bathroom) she still had that strength. It made me believe she was going to be here forever. She promised to make her infamous cranberry jell-o at Thanksgiving. She promised. I assumed the hospital visit was a fluke, she will be out in a few days healthy as ever. Why did I tell myself that?
Honestly I did not believe that. I only hoped it was true. I was visiting her some time at the end of July 2009 and I had just started filling out my application for the Peace Corps. It wasn't even something I was 100% sure I wanted to do yet, but deep down I knew it was the last time I would have a chance to tell her. At this point, I don't think many people knew I was applying, although it didn't come as a surprise to anyone in the room when I blurted it out over ice creams on the edge of grandma's bed.
"I'm joining the Peace Corps" I said, quite matter-of-factly and with more enthusiasm than I really had for my hasty decision to apply.
She raised her eyebrows in acknowledgement and her mouth made a small "oh" as if she was going to say something of great importance. She paused a moment, pursed her lips in thought.
"You better take care of yourself, wherever you go. And I want letters from all the places you travel." She said with a nod. Then she smiled and I smiled. And just like that, I was committed.
She passed away just four weeks later.
I'm heartbroken that I never got to send her a letter from any exotic destinations. She was my biggest fan, sitting front row in all my endeavors, always listening to me babble whenever I returned from every one of my trips to foreign countries, even providing medical care when I came back with unknown tropical diseases. She would only preach safety, never disapproval.
So a huge, warm thank you to my Grandma Nate who believed in me no matter what. Thank you for your support and thank you for believing in me. Your love is what inspires me to keep doing what I do.
I miss you.
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