Special English

Special English is a special language that one speaks to a non-native English speaker.  Or, in some humiliating cases, to those who are native English speakers, but one has forgotten to turn off the Special.  This typically happens when one has been staying at one’s site for quite some time. (Are you sick of the word “one” yet?  There’s more…)

Special English is about half the speed of one’s natural speaking speed.  There are short pauses between each word, to demonstrate that one word is finished being said and another is about to happen, so brace yourself.

Example: What – are – you – doing – today?

One never uses contractions or slang while speaking in Special English, as this could be confusing to the listener.

Example: No, I have not yet eaten lunch.  Yes, I would like to eat lunch with you, thank you.  When will you be serving lunch?

NOT: Nah, I haven’t eaten lunch. Yeah, I wanna eat lunch with you, thanks. When’re you serving lunch?

One pronounces every syllable and hits every letter of a word (even in cases when the letter would be silent), no matter the accent one has developed from his or her origin in America.

Example (big letters make a hard sound and hyphens indicate pauses for syllable spacing): When will you fin-ish mak-inG my coff-EE table?  I have been waitinG a lonG time for you to come ov-eR to my house to com-pLETE this task.

One often uses words that one would not normally use in order to get a point across.

Example: Your goat just bit me while we were chatting. No, this is not okay. This is a problem. Your goat has bad behavior and now I have to get a rabies shot. And I must also bathe.

One typically uses a “yes” or “no” as a question at the end of a sentence to be sure a statement was understood.

                Example: You will be going to the market later today, yes?

This is your tutorial on Special English 101. You are most welcome.